Cracked

“I regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place at the University of …” That’s when a new dream that took nearly a year, waking up everyday with, thinking of, planning on making it happen got destroyed.

You know? It took me so long to dream about something else, to collect the wreckage that was left of me and build my new self out of it. This new dream was born after years of pain, of frustration, of sadness, of brokenness, of wounds that have not healed yet. And today, March 18th, 2022, this new dream was shattered in a five-line letter. Just that easy.

It’s really easy to type down a letter and with one click send it to thousands of applicants, telling them that you are sorry. Your sorry doesn’t mean anything when their hearts start breaking, your sorry doesn’t fix what you ruined, your sorry doesn’t heal their wounds. Your sorry doesn’t turn back the chances they lost because of them wanting you, only you. Your sorry doesn’t bring back the time they lost working on doing their best to send you that six page essay. Your sorry will never make them forget what you made them feel the moment they received your letter.

You said, “Be createful” but you tore up all my creations, without even blinking…

I wanted you, because everyone said that you are different. You don’t look at what is shown. You search deep into each applicant, see how they do, find the hidden thing in them where the others don’t. But what I saw today was that you were like the others with no difference. Maybe you were worse, you didn’t even tell the reason. You just threw that five-line letter in front of my face asking me to continue my path with the same energy, encouraging me to continue working on my future plans.

You were a huge disappointment to me. You opened my old wounds that I worked years on healing. My wounds never went away, but in the moment that I walked into you, you were like a pain reliever to me. I said in my heart, maybe you’ll make up everything, maybe you will be the one who is going to draw a smile on my face again. But I forgot that heartbreaks come from the things we get the most attached to.

You thanked me because I considered you. Well, I thank you for telling me that you are not as perfect and honest as I thought.

Painful Moments “Moment Five”

The picture is taken from: Pinterest; Credit: unknown.
Resim Pinterestten alınmıştır; Kredisi: bilinmiyor.

Do you know what the meaning of disappointment is? Have you ever been through it?

Have you ever lived the moment at twelve in the morning, when you were preparing yourself for your physics exam, in your warm bedroom for the next day, and all of a sudden you realize that you lost everything that night?

Have you ever asked someone you trusted and loved so much, someone you used to think of as being your role model, the symbol of success to you, someone you always wanted to be like one day; to be by your side and help you at the moment you really needed his help, and he broke your heart with hurtful words that are still stuck in your brain until now?

Have you ever left something you loved so much, and couldn’t take it with you because you were forced to do so, because life has put you in this situation. You knew deep inside you that something bad will happen later, but you ignored this feeling saying it will be fine, and then you came back and it wasn’t fine, it wasn’t fine at all?

Have you ever graduated from your high school, and lived the best night in your entire life, and then after a few days from that night, someone tells you that a very close one to your heart died just four days before your graduation. But everyone lied to you, hid from you and said to you that she’s fine, at the hospital, she’s being taken care of. They never told you back then, because they didn’t want to ruin your happiness, but you never had the chance to know where her grave was?

Have you ever wanted something since you were a kid and waited for so long for it to happen, and at the moment you actually gave up on it and never wanted it anymore, it came to you at four in the afternoon, and you welcomed it with yourself sleeping in the bed covering up your head like it never came?

This was just the beginning, the beginning of so many memories, so many pages that each one of us has been struggling so hard to fold, ignore and try to forget. There are things, no matter what we do, they will not go, they will not fade or disappear. They will remain engraved in our memory, no matter how much time passes.


Pictures are taken from: Pinterest.
Pictures Credits: @velvet / @dikenli1papatya / @valgibi / @sen17yasimsin / @the nisa / @sarkiutopyam / unknown.
Resimler Pinterestten alınmıştır.
Resimler Kredi: @velvet / @dikenli1papatya / @valgibi / @sen17yasimsin / @the nisa / @sarkiutopyam / bilinmeyen.

“It’s nice to imagine, but then?”

“It was a nice lie, I believed it”

Time sleep is the medicine for everything”

“Don’t look at my laughter, I’m actually a very unhappy person”

“I’m tired, I can’t even bear myself”

“Then something happens. And you cannot become like before anymore.”

“How much we died just to live a little bit..”

“Actually there’s nothing like this. You imagined. You said it would be. I will walk, I may fall. But there’s nothing. You thought there’s something.”

“Then a photo appears in front of you, all what you thought you forgot through all this time, makes you kneel in front of the longing.”

“I became tired from making myself tired..”

“Sometimes I feel like I want to walk for hours, like by walking everything will pass..”

“Before, I used to think that the worst thing in life is to stay alone. No, it’s not. The worst thing in life is staying between the people who make you feel alone..”

“Unfortunately you’re crazy, deranged, and out of your mind. But do you want me to give you a secret? All good people deep inside are like this.”

“Mom, I’m so in pain.”

“By the way, does everyone go through what they made others go through?”

“Did you hear my silence?”

-Oğuz Atay

“We’re going to scream, they will never hear. Always the same story.”

“At the end, I explained all my fears to you and now my fear is you.”

From “Thanks for your existence in my life” to “Take care of yourself”…

“I became a person like ice, they didn’t leave me feelings.”

“We learned to stay lonely from people who said we will never go to us.”

“There are some dates that you didn’t forget, you couldn’t forget.”

“The heart is really burning.”

“It won’t pass, it won’t, it stays in your mind and you can’t forget, even though he’s not that important person…”

“A lot of songs were deleted from our playlists, in order to make us remember some things.”

“I swear you’re a big frustration, I swear you’re a big sigh, you’re a big deep pain.”

“If we sat down and talked maybe everything could’ve passed, turning your head and ignoring wasn’t even indicating love.”

-Cahit zarifoğlu

“But you’ve never been with me, maybe your mind or your heart has been somewhere else.”

Sometimes when a person says, “I’m fine” they really need someone to look into their eyes and say, “I know you’re not.”

“Do you think of me?”

“Everything falls apart as I try to pick it up.”

“I know you will win, but I don’t know how many times after losing.”

-Sagopa Kajmer

“One day you’ll look, my name changed to an Instagram user…”

“What I want to say is; Know me as a wave that hit the beach but didn’t reach your toes… so misplaced, so lost in the blues.”

“Please make me sleep on your chest, I’m so tired.”


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Painful Moments “Moment Four”

The picture is taken from: Pinterest; Credit: @lilacrainw.

“How are you?”

“Fine, but there is something.” “What is it?” “I don’t know, I’m kind of tired.” “You may be in need of sleep a little bit.” “No, with sleep it gets harder, sleep makes it worse.” “What do you mean?”

“I mean, this thing is stronger than the sleep, it follows me even in my dreams, makes me feel like I’m drowning. It kind of grabs my neck strongly, not giving me a chance to take my breath. It wakes me up late every night, and leaves me awake at bed for hours, not knowing what to do, switching right to left and left to right. It makes me feel like I want to cry but I can’t, it makes me feel like I want to scream but I can’t.

I try to close my eyes and ignore all of this but each time I close my eyes, it gets worse, it brings that scary nightmares to me, reminds me of that horrible moment that I went through, and makes that remorse feeling tearing me up into pieces. Can you understand me?”

“I’m sorry but I really can’t understand it.” “You will never, not you and not anyone else because only the one who went through the same feeling will understand, will feel, will know what this moment feels like, comes to kill you every night but leaves you lying wounded in your bed at three in the morning.”


Pictures are taken from: Pinterest, Instagram.
Pictures Credits: @lilacrainw / @THELATESTQUOTE / @extra_emotions / @Girly_m / @fatemood / @SCENESFEED / @Paul Nigam / @iloveuofficial / @motivationapp / @13REASONSPOSTS / unknown.

For painful moments “Moment Five”, please visit this link Painful Moments


Painful Moments “Moment Three”

The picture is taken from: Pinterest; Credit: @Quotes’nd Notes.

Have you ever gone back home crying over what happened to you? You know when you wear that beautiful dress, put on that light makeup, while your face is smiling deeply, and your heart filled with hopes, and only one sentence on your mouth saying everything will be beautiful.

You wear that cute shoes, carrying your small bag with you, leaving your house, then arriving; everyone around you looking at how beautiful you are, but you actually are looking for that person, only that one, waiting for him to come and tell you, “You look so beautiful tonight” spending the whole time with you, ignoring everyone around him but you, just you.

Few seconds later he shows up, with her kissing him on his cheek, laughing loudly, then he looks at you, you make yourself like you didn’t see him, then he approaches. Your heart starts skipping beats, then you hear him whispering, “You look beautiful tonight.” Then you start smiling like an idiot. He starts talking to you like you’re the only girl in the whole place and the butterflies start flying all inside you, you become so happy at that moment.

He offers to take you back home because a beautiful girl like you needs a beautiful car to take her, not a taxi. You feel that he’s that right gentleman who won’t leave you alone at night with strangers. And before the party ends you see him leaving you, going with her, putting his hand on her chest, going away. You stand there for a while thinking that he’s coming back without her, but no, no one comes.

You stand there like you want to cry, maybe not, you really couldn’t describe that feeling, but you leave back home, taking off your dress, hiding it, writing down your diary, putting the date underlined because it was such a big disappointment, such a bad night that your memory will never forget.


Pictures are taken from: Pinterest.
Pictures Credits: @Quotes’nd Notes / @TheMindsJournal / unknown.

For painful moments “moment four”, please visit this link Painful Moments


Painful Moments “Moment Two”

The picture is taken from: Pinterest; Credit: unknown.

You know what, sometimes you feel that you were that wrong person, you were the bad one, that’s why they left you, they decided to continue their way without you, they deleted your name from their minds, your number from their phones, your conversations from their chats, they also blocked you leaving that harmful message that you will never forget, ever.

You look back and start asking yourself why? What did I do? What was that wrong thing that I did so they did all of this? You search, think, ask, look for that satisfying answer. But you know what? You will never find it, because you didn’t do anything, you didn’t break them, because if you did so, they could’ve come, could’ve talked to you, could’ve told you that you did that thing, and you broke their heart by doing it. You both would have fixed the wrong thing that happened.

But they decided to run, leave, go, disappear from your entire life, and deleted you from their lives. They were not strong enough to face you, they didn’t find that satisfying reason for leaving you. They ran away because they’re weak, they knew that you didn’t do anything to them, you were that type of person that was too good for them, that they couldn’t bear.

Don’t cry, maybe cry so your tears get dry, okay, but don’t you ever think that you were bad, you did your best to never lose them, you told them thousand times that they were special, different and not like everyone else, but with knowing this they chose to leave, and break your heart, while you were so careful to not break them. So listen, they didn’t deserve you and they will never.

There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re good, nice, decent, and kind but to whoever actually deserves, don’t forget this.


Pictures are taken from: Pinterest.
Pictures Credits: @r.h.Sin / @Luv / @Mindset Creator / @Quotes’nd Notes / @Gippy / @stonecold.x / unknown.

For painful moments “moment three”, please visit this link Painful Moments


Painful Moments “Moment One”

The picture is taken from: Pinterest; Credit: unknown.

Everyone of us went through that moment,

The moment we feel ourselves so weak, so tired, so exhausted, so lonely, so in pain, so broken, our wounds are bleeding and no one is trying to heal them, no one is with us, no one is holding us, we have that heavy thing that no one can handle…

That moment, when we stay awake late at night, crying, holding our pillows tightly, putting our hands in front of our mouths, closing them, to cry silently, so no one hears us, no one realizes our weakness…

That moment when we hear that damn scary phrase, “Are you okay?” and we just drop down that smile, without saying a word, so we don’t burst out crying and tell them what’s wrong with us because no one can understand…

That moment when our souls die, and we become just empty bodies moving around, having no feelings, empty from happiness, hopes, dreams, bodies that know nothing but death…

That moment when we admit, we realize that we’re depressed and we just can’t do anything anymore…

It’s hard, so hard to go through this, I know this feeling very well, when you don’t want anything from this life anymore, you just want to go, to disappear, and become not existed anymore, you may think that this may solve everything, so you put your head on your pillow, hoping your eyes never open the next morning, but then you wake up, and realize that it won’t work like this, you won’t die that easy.


Pictures are taken from: Pinterest.
Pictures Credits: @rawadwb / @lost.in.pieces / @RKG / @FD / @beebosloth / @TEARFULNIGHTS / unknown.

For painful moments “moment two”, please visit this link Painful Moments