Ingénue

Rain slapped her bedroom door so hard. She was breathing so fast. Kind of pissed off from everything. She was having that angry look that was carrying lots of hate. Then she fell slowly on her bedroom floor and burst out crying.

Few seconds later, she looked up at her phone, then she grabbed it and started writing, and her tears started falling on her phone’s screen. Then she deleted everything, and dropped the phone on her bedroom floor. And burst out crying again.

Few minutes later, someone knocked on her bedroom window. She was laying on her bed hugging her little teddy bear. She raised herself, wiped her tears with her left hand and opened her bedroom’s curtain. Cloud was standing there!

She opened her window, “What are you doing here?” Rain asked him. “What were you writing to me?” “How did you know that I was writing to you?” “You came to my mind and I wanted to ask how you’re doing, then I saw you typing for a long time, but didn’t receive anything!” “Yeah because I’m always the one who’s complaining and I’m not even trying to ask about how you are. I didn’t even ask you how did you come here?”

Cloud stepped into Rain’s bedroom, “You don’t have to ask about me. Because I’m not the one who’s broken here, Rain. You are!” Rain cried. “What happened?” She looked up with her teary eyes, then looked at him, Taking her breath.

“I’m tired. I’m so tired Cloud. I don’t know where I should start. Should I start from January, 2016 when I lost my future? Or from March, 2017 when I lost my dignity? Or from October, 2017 when I lost my ambition? Or from May, 2018 when I lost the most innocent creature that was the only one who used to understand me when no one did?”

Rain’s face was so red and tears were falling on her cheeks. Then she continued, “Or wait. What about October, 2018 when I lost my dream? Or December, 2018 when I heard the insult from my childhood’s idol; who was the reason for all that I went through? And November 2019 when my 19th birthday wish was to die? Or March, 2022 when you came to me when everything was just…” “Calm down. Look, you went through all of this and it’s so painful, I can feel it, but look around you, they still need you, you have them with you.”

“I fought with them tonight. And because of him, again.” Rain turned mad and continued, “Again, the same person behind everything.” “We all fight. You know why we fight? Because we love, and you love them.” “You know what they told me tonight? They said that I’m so bad, I’m so malicious, full of hate. They asked me when I became such a spiteful person!” Cloud looked at Rain when she said that in pain. Then he approached her, Put his hands on her shoulders, “Look they might not understand you. They might not listen to you. They might even not know what you are going through. But they still love you. They love you so much.”

Rain laughed mockingly, and stepped back, “They love me?! They don’t feel me but they love me! They break my heart with their harmful words, but they love me! They stand next to the one who insulted not only me, but them, but guess what, they are defending him like he’s an angel. And you keep telling me that they love me?! Are you freaking kidding me? They don’t even care about me. And guess what? I don’t care about them either.” “Rain. You’re not like that. You’re not a cruel person. You’re not like him. Don’t act like him.” She replied to Cloud angrily, “I know that I’m freaking not like him, and I will never be. Tell them to stop comparing me to him!”

Cloud looked at her with no words. Rain looked at him for a while calming herself down then said quietly, “Cloud, I don’t understand them, they don’t like him either and they know who he actually is, but they keep telling me to ask him for help. And at the same time when I say no I don’t want his help and I would rather die than asking for his help. They compare me to him. And they say, “The older you get, the more you look like him so much!” And I don’t want to be like him.”

Rain approached Cloud with a hateful look and said, “I’m not like him. I hate him!” Then Cloud said slowly, “But you deep inside don’t hate him, because you can’t hate him, you’re not like him. I can still see that light and smile in your eyes when you see him.” Rain moved her head (No) and stepped away. “Rain, this is not a bad thing, this is you. Even if you said it a thousand times, and no matter how high the pitch would be, you deep inside don’t hate him.” Rain looked at him with no words.

“You’re just mad, and without realizing it, you are becoming like him. And I know that you are not that one.” Rain sat on her bed. Feeling so hopeless. Cloud approached, and sat next to her, “Rain, I’m the only one who knows very well the depth of you. You’re not bad. You’re good, I can see it. But looking at your past and what you’ve gone through makes you start becoming like this.” She looked at him, crying.

“She died because of him.” “Don’t blame it on him. I’m not saying he’s a good person, he might be one of the reasons, but that’s her destiny, Rain. With or without him she had to die.” Rain burst out crying, “I miss her so much.” Then she laid down, putting her head on his lap. Cloud started stroking on her hair.

“Four years passed and I still have the same pain for her death like she died yesterday.” “I know.” “Cloud, I don’t want to be like him. I’m tired of all this hate. I’m tired of carrying all these painful memories inside my heart blaming him. I’m tired of being next to him. I’m tired of even thinking about all of this. Cloud I’m tired of being fake. I’m tired of looking at my past, thinking of it more and more and more.” She took a deep breath.

She continued, “I’m tired of saying what if this didn’t happen, what if I didn’t talk, what if I didn’t ask, what if I didn’t call, what if I didn’t listen, what if I refused to go and stayed next to her. What if I took her to the other doctor, maybe she would’ve been alive now.”

“Rain, it happened, you can’t bring her back.” “I know. And this is what hurts me the most. I lost her. She never spoke, she used to look with her ocean blue eyes, and sit next to me with her white fur. She was the only one who felt me when there was no one even caring.” Cloud kept stroking Rain’s hair without saying anything.

Rain continued, “Cloud, I swear I’m not okay. I just want to be back to who I actually was. I don’t want to hate anymore, I don’t want to blame anymore. I don’t want to think of the past anymore. I don’t want to carry all of this burden anymore… I want to sleep… I just want to sleep… I’m tired… I want to sleep and wake up the next morning… back to who I was before all of this.”

Rain fell asleep. And her last tear fell down on Cloud’s pants. Cloud kept stroking on her hair and whispered, “You will one day. I promise.”


To continue reading this story, please follow this hallucination; Nuit


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